Let’s Talk About Discipline
Written by Janelle Fyfe, BSW, RSW
"My parent spanked me, and I turned out just fine." Many of us have heard this sentiment expressed by friends, celebrities, or perhaps even said it ourselves. It is true that older generations were encouraged and even, at times, exhorted to use harsh forms of punishment on their children, such as hitting, spanking, or slapping. Recognizing that parents love their children and do the best they can with the resources at hand, we now know that these types of parenting behaviours are counterproductive and damaging to developing brains.
Many studies have linked spanking to negative, unintended consequences, including decreased cognitive abilities, increased aggression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, and mental health problems (Gershoff, 2016). In addition to this, scientists have found no evidence that spanking improves child behaviour, and some researchers believe spanking fits the criteria for toxic stress (Gershoff, 2016; Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016; Cuartas, 2021).
Remember, "the goal of discipline is to guide and teach, not to punish"
The experiences children have in the first years of life impact the physical makeup of their developing brains (National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, 2011). Of course, it is necessary to correct children once they begin to interact with their environment and form relationships with siblings, pets, and others, but sometimes that is easier said than done. Wouldn’t it be great if babies were born with instructions printed on their backs?! It can be challenging to know what to do when a child acts out, particularly for caregivers who are parenting in a way that is different from their own childhood experiences. Remember, "the goal of discipline is to guide and teach, not to punish" (Canadian Pediatric Society, 2020). While these situations may be frustrating, it is possible to discipline in a way that promotes healthy brain development. The American Academy of Pediatrics and Canadian Pediatrics Society provide parents with a list of healthy and effective tips for guiding children during each stage of development. Some examples include:
• Allow children to make their own choices when possible and safe
• Ensure basic needs are met in advance, so children are not acting out due to being tired, hungry, thirsty, etc.
• Try to use positive language whenever possible, such as "walking feet" rather than "don't run"
• Catch and praise correct behaviours
• Recognize when your frustration levels are rising and take a break. If you feel yourself about to lose control, ensure your child is in a safe place and take time to calm down
If you have made mistakes when disciplining your child, you are not alone! Exercise self-compassion and recognize that it is never too late to change your approach. Remember the words of Maya Angelou, "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." We all make mistakes as parents, some knowingly and others unknowingly. Take the time to reflect on your actions and determine what you will do the next time a similar situation arises. Practice self-care, create opportunities to enjoy time spent with your child, and seek support when needed. (Contact the Family Centre for resources in your area). You do not have to be perfect to support your child’s healthy brain development!
Positive Parenting Resources
Check out the following resources for information, additional resources, and tips on how to effectively discipline children at each stage of development:
How to discipline your child the smart and healthy way
What's the best way to discipline my child?
What is positive parenting? A look at the research and benefits
Positive discipline for young children
References:
Afifi, T. O., Ford, D., Gershoff, E. T., Merrick, M., Grogan-Kaylor, A., Ports, K. A., MacMillan, H. L., Holden, G. W., Taylor, C. A., Lee, S. J., & Peters Bennett, R. (2017). Spanking and adult mental health impairment: The case for the designation of spanking as an adverse childhood experience. Child abuse & neglect, 71, 24–31. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2017.01.014
Beck, J. (2016, August 27). The strong evidence against spanking. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/04/the-strong-evidence-against-spanking/479937/
Canadian Paediatric Society. (2020). Positive discipline for young children. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/behavior-and-development/positive-discipline-for-young-children#:~:text=Reduce%20the%20number%20of%20words,Involve%20your%20child%20in%20discipline.
Cuartas, J., Weissman, D., Sheridan, M., Lengua, L., & McLaughlin, K. (2021). Corporal Punishment and elevated neural response to threat in children. Child Development 92(3), 821-832. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.13565
Gershoff, E. (2016). Should parent's physical punishment of children be considered a source of toxic stress that affects brain development? Family Relations 65(1):151-162. doi:10.1111/fare.12177
Gershoff, E., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000191
Maguire-Jack, K., Gromoske, A. N., & Berger, L. M. (2012). Spanking and child development during the first 5 years of life. Child development, 83(6), 1960–1977. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2012.01820.x
National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. (2011). Children’s emotional development is built into their brains. Center on the Developing Child: Harvard University. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/childrens-emotional-development-is-built-into-the-architecture-of-their-brains/
Pinsker, J. (2018, November 6). Spanking is still really common and still really bad for kids. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/11/spanking-kids-effective/574978/
Straus, M. & Paschall, M.J. (2009). Corporal punishment by mothers and development of children's cognitive ability: A longitudinal study of two nationally representative age cohorts. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma 18(5): 459-483. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926770903035168
Wang, M. T., & Kenny, S. (2014). Longitudinal links between fathers' and mothers' harsh verbal discipline and adolescents' conduct problems and depressive symptoms. Child development, 85(3), 908–923. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12143